Last year, a friend challenged me to write a positive blog–something non-political–and this is what came out. I’ve decided to revise and update it and offer it to you. One lesson learned for every year I’ve been on this planet, each one with a little chuckle. 
1. Never go camping with a princess. Ever. You’ll waste more fuel driving her to and from the nearest gas station four times a day to use the bathroom than you will on the trip to Flagstaff, because she won’t dare dig a hole.
2. If you’re a corrections officer, you can’t forget how much walking (and running) you have to do. So never, ever wear brand-new boots to work.
3. Cats don’t like water.
4. Don’t start reading the news ten minutes before you have to leave for work. Especially if your name is Mel Maguire and you have a real problem tearing yourself away from all those interesting stories.
5. Don’t consume anything containing alcohol right before a hard workout. Trust me.
6. Given a tiny amount of material, a small child can make a very large mess. Even play-doh can become permanently ground into the carpet.
7. Speaking of small children, they can also hear through walls. Watch what you say, or you will hear it again.
8. Women may be crazy, but men are far more dramatic. Who woulda thought?
9. Most people think rednecks are idiots. On the flip side, rednecks think that everyone else is way too tightly wound. Nothing we do will change this miscommunication.
10. Once in a while, you will be uncouth whether you want to or not; farting is inevitable. It’s all in how you react afterward.
11. Contrary to popular opinion, cats are lactose intolerant.
12. Rappers hate metalheads and metalheads hate rappers. It’s a fact of life we’ll never change. Just roll with it.
13. There is no such thing as an honest politician. It is a species God forgot to create.
14. You can have a lot of fun with a few cardboard boxes, some packing tape and a sharpie marker. Just wait ’til your boss goes on vacation.
15. You can create complete havoc with the words, “I’m gonna puke!”
16. If you’re a martial artist, and you let people find out about it, you will be made fun of. Face it: you’re a geek. Might as well play along!
17. Tequila is the best clothing remover on the face of the planet.
18. If someone tells you that you jumped on the table and proceeded to perform your best immitation of Riverdance on St. Patrick’s Day, but you don’t remember it, just laugh it off. You sure as hell can’t change it now. Don’t be surprised at anything else they tell you, either.
19. When saying the blessing for dinner at a minister’s house, do not say, “rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God!” The kids will think it’s hilarious, and the minister might chuckle, but the minister’s wife will not be amused.
20. In America, the wife is always in charge. Remember this for any and all social occasions.
21. If you’re in a bar where a group of rowdy women are having a bachelorette party, just sit back and quietly watch. You will not be disappointed.
22. Never, under any circumstances, walk into any Wisconsin bar, restaurant, truck stop or other such establishment on game day and openly root for any team other than Green Bay.
23. Don’t teach your best friend’s son to belch.
24. Always tip your waiter/waitress well, even if you feel they weren’t waiting on you to your expectations.
25. Love like your heart has never been broken.
26. Nobody can stay mad if you make them laugh.
27. Be a complete goofball once in a while.
28. Always get to know your neighbor–AND their dog.
29. If you’re going to light the grill, make sure you do it right the first time. Adding lighter fluid to a dying fire can result in the unwanted removal of your eyebrows. (Or, if your initials are TZ, be careful to check that the gas isn’t already on when you light it, lest you lose your eyelashes, too.)
30. Be generous with everything you have. Your money, your home, your time, your love, your laughter, your books, your faith, your forgiveness…everything. God promised to provide for our needs, not necessarily for our wants; don’t refuse to give a couple of dollars to a homeless man simply because you think he’ll use it for booze. Give it to him. God might well be using you to provide. If that man uses what is given for anything but food or shelter, it’s not on you.
But most importantly, I’ve learned that no matter how old you are, what walk of life you hail from, or what lessons you’ve learned, you’ll never know it all–so never stop learning.
steveflesher
Philip
Mel Maguire
Mark Ciavola
