You Know You Live In Phoenix IF…

From my friend Dave, the retired cop, posted this for us today and I thought I’d share it. For anyone who’s never been to Phoenix, we are now in what we call “monsoon season” – winds have changed and moisture from the Southern Coast is beginning to drift into Arizona. We had our first big dust storm today although it was nothing like some of the storms we had last year (trust me on this one…they were BAD). I thought ya’ll might enjoy this.

You know you live in Phoenix IF…

You buy salsa by the gallon.

Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and 100 paper bags. And several chile ristras.

All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.

You think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever (I choose firefighter’s gloves…I get a fantastic discount on them!).

Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name “El” or “Los.” (Locals also know that the other restaurants end in “-bertos”.)

You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard (I never thought I’d want to go back to mowing the grass).

You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

You can say Hohokam and people don’t think you’re laughing funny.

You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.

You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.

You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

You can say 120 degrees without fainting (if you can hike in 120 degree heat, you’re a god).

Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer (ask me how I personally know this).

You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

The pool can be warmer than you are.

You can make instant sun tea.

People will drive more than 100 miles just to see snow.

You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.

People with black cars or black upholstery are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

You know that Valley Fever isn’t a disco dance.

The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.

You can (correctly) pronounce the words: “Saguaro,” “Tempe,” “Gila Bend,” “San Xavier,” “Canyon de Chelly,” “Mogollon Rim,” “Cholla,” and “Ajo.”

It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.

Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to go to the Circle K.

Hot-air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state (as do your tires).