Daily News Shots, 03/09/2010

The tiny, tiny town of John Day in Oregon (a largely white, conservative community where some are members of the Tea Party) has begun to fight the efforts of the Aryan Nations groups to move in and set up camp. Public protests have given way to restaurants refusing to serve members, stores refusing to serve members, and landowners refusing to sell to members in an effort to make them as unwelcome as possible. Keith “Damn Those Racist Tea Partiers” Olbermann has not commented.

New York Representative Eric Massa resigned in the wake of a “scandal” regarding a drunken comment made at a New Year’s Eve wedding reception to a staffer: the staffer told him he should be chasing the bridesmaids, Massa said “I should be effing you,” and stumbled away. Democrats feigned shock and outrage over Massa’s comment and demanded the resignation. Steny “We Can’t Handle the Truth” Hoyer adamantly denied today that the call for Massa’s resignation had anything at all to do with the fact that Massa has staunchly refused to support Demcare no matter what “offers” he gets (Louisiana purchase, anyone?). At press time, Democrats still wanted to see Clinton prosecutor Kenneth Starr horsewhipped and hung with piano wire.

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for supposedly modeling one of their baby trader ads after her. Apparently, she believes she shares first-name recognition along the lines of Madonna and the ad in which the famed baby trader apologizes to his girlfriend via video chat is claimed to have been a catty swipe at the actress deserving of a $100M payday. In other news, Paris Hilton still thinks she is a legitimate role model for young girls.

Finally, Republican California State Representative Roy Ashburn was arrested for DUI and it was discovered that he had gotten wasted at a gay bar. He came out and admitted that he is gay. Liberal gay-rights groups, which have condemned him for his voting record, have already announced the expectation of a more friendly Ashburn. We are still awaiting the “self-loathing closet case” accusations.