Weekend News Shots

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has stepped in mud up to her waist as she went on record this week telling Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that the announcement to expand an East Jerusalem housing settlement “harmed the [US – Israeli] bilateral relationship.” Sources say Secretary Clinton was conveying President Obama’s own anger when she gave PM Netanyahu the verbal smackdown over the phone because it was “bad timing” to do so on the eve of Vice President Joe Biden’s visit to Israel and Bozo the VP was apparently “embarrassed.” Joe “I Landed Under Fire” Biden was still trying to dislodge his foot from his mouth from the last time he spoke when he expressed displeasure at the announcement earlier in the week.

President Obama has delayed his trip to Asia. The original plan to leave on the 18th was pushed back until the 21st so that the big cahoona could be in Washington for the big vote on health care reform. Congressional staffers say Obama needed to help garner more Democratic votes to make sure the bill passes while Nancy Pelosi gleefully stated, “we need to pass the bill for you to find out what’s in it!”, seen in the following clip:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoE1R-xH5To]

The status of previous vote buys is up in the air but likely to hold. The most ethical congress in history had no comment.

Immigration “rights” activists have descended upon Washington again this week in an effort to pressure President Obama to make good on a campaign promise to enact immigration reform. Carrying signs saying such things as “end raids & deportations” and “legalization NOW”, uber-emo liberals with individual egos the size of Lower Manhattan came together to, yet again, demand that illegal immigrants to the United States be given amnesty and the borders opened for an immigration free-for-all. Demands for a more “humane” immigration system were popular while pro-illegal March for America planned a rally on the Mall on March 21. As President Obama promised to save jobs for American workers it is unclear how he intends to marry his “unwavering support” for massive immigration overhaul with his desire to “create jobs.”

An announcement came today that a second American woman has been arrested for a role in the conspiracy to murder Swedish political cartoonist Lars Vilks for an offensive sketch of Mohammed. Jamie Paulin-Ramirez left her job as a medical assistant last year to convert to Islam and marry a Muslim. She immediately began posting angry diatribes on her Facebook page, demanding that Americans stop calling Muslims terrorists. She was arrested in Ireland along with an Algerian Muslim believed to be her husband for aiding in the recruitment and plot to commit murder. Janet Napolitano STILL had no comment.

Rounding out the weekend news shots is the hypocrite of the week. Hard-left actor Sean Penn booted Yays & Nays reporter Tara Palmeri from an event held at the Washington Hebrew Congregation to honor his work in Haiti. Palmeri asked a question about a comment he’d made previously in which the big-hearted humanitarian wished for his critics to “die screaming of rectal cancer.” When the question was posed, Penn immediately ordered her out while a rabbi was accused of attempting to delete a video she’d taken on her flip phone and event coordinator CJ Jordan told her, “you have desecrated this sacred place” before ordering her to write a letter of apology to the Haitian ambassador if she wanted to keep her job. Penn’s previous comments include the desire to see American journalists tossed in the clink for calling Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez…a dictator. Elie Wiesel was speechless.

Daily News Shots, 03/10/2010

Unemployment rose in 30 states during the month of January according to the US Labor Department. The few gains that were made were cancelled out by the numbers of rising unemployment rates. President Obama still believes he has lowered the unemployement rate and saved the middle class.

Harry Reid fired back at RNC donors who caricatured him as cartoon character Scooby-Doo, making light of the joke by saying, “he solved mysteries and caught the bad guys, pretty impressive — especially for a dog.” Obama immediately offered Harry “If We Don’t Pass This NOW” Reid a scooby snack and a pat on the head as he continued, “using fear to motivate supporters is cowardly politics.”

Colleen LaRose, better known on the internet as JihadJane, was arrested by federal agents for helping to recruit Muslims and supporters for murder. In June of 2008, LaRose posted on YouTube that she was desperate to help suffering Muslims and was immediately tagged to help recruit killers as her race, caucasian, would make her a least-likely suspect in Europe and the United States. LaRose was on track to recruit killers to actually succeed this time in offing Swedish cartoonist Lars Vilks for his caricature of the Prophet Mohammed as a dog (previous attempts by Nigerians wielding axes to break in and kill Vilks, despite laws forbidding citizens from owning guns in Sweden, had failed). Janet “Man-Made Disaster” Napolitano is expected to deliver a denial of terrorism later in the week. The religion of peace had no comment.

Vice President Joe Biden toured several areas on the West Bank with Palestinian prime minister Salam Fayyad after chastising Israel for planning to expand an East Jerusalem housing settlement. He said today that Palestinians deserved a “viable state”. Jordan, home to all but those Palestinians still trying to destroy Israel, remained strangely silent on the issue.

Democrats in Washington have decided to ban earmarks for private contractors, a.k.a. “no-bid contracts.” Obama had campaigned on multiple promises, among them that he would not allow the no-bid contract practice to continue. In the past year he has defied this promise by awarding multiple no-bid contracts to well-connected friends. Democrats acted where Obama simply spoke but have not yet decided whether to agree on repealing the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

Finally, child actor Corey Haim is dead at age 38. He is known for movies such as “The Lost Boys,” “License to Drive,” “Lucas” and telling Larry King Live in 2007 that he was a “chronic relapser.”

Daily News Shots, 03/09/2010

The tiny, tiny town of John Day in Oregon (a largely white, conservative community where some are members of the Tea Party) has begun to fight the efforts of the Aryan Nations groups to move in and set up camp. Public protests have given way to restaurants refusing to serve members, stores refusing to serve members, and landowners refusing to sell to members in an effort to make them as unwelcome as possible. Keith “Damn Those Racist Tea Partiers” Olbermann has not commented.

New York Representative Eric Massa resigned in the wake of a “scandal” regarding a drunken comment made at a New Year’s Eve wedding reception to a staffer: the staffer told him he should be chasing the bridesmaids, Massa said “I should be effing you,” and stumbled away. Democrats feigned shock and outrage over Massa’s comment and demanded the resignation. Steny “We Can’t Handle the Truth” Hoyer adamantly denied today that the call for Massa’s resignation had anything at all to do with the fact that Massa has staunchly refused to support Demcare no matter what “offers” he gets (Louisiana purchase, anyone?). At press time, Democrats still wanted to see Clinton prosecutor Kenneth Starr horsewhipped and hung with piano wire.

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for supposedly modeling one of their baby trader ads after her. Apparently, she believes she shares first-name recognition along the lines of Madonna and the ad in which the famed baby trader apologizes to his girlfriend via video chat is claimed to have been a catty swipe at the actress deserving of a $100M payday. In other news, Paris Hilton still thinks she is a legitimate role model for young girls.

Finally, Republican California State Representative Roy Ashburn was arrested for DUI and it was discovered that he had gotten wasted at a gay bar. He came out and admitted that he is gay. Liberal gay-rights groups, which have condemned him for his voting record, have already announced the expectation of a more friendly Ashburn. We are still awaiting the “self-loathing closet case” accusations.